posing prose

Aegis

Immunization
neglected
aegis – protect me

She

Wo ai ni – I love you
consumed, electric
(s)He rushed over me like a tide.
a momentary lapse
in the efficacy of my heart beat
a charge that shook; stirred
beguiled
before feet ever touched
ground.

Happenstance

Everything conventional stepped out the door
down the stairs
’round the bend.

Two initiated, misbehaving.
Languid romance
ardent in the undoing
articulated seamlessly.

If ever a paragon so exquisitely imperfect.
Happenstance
stood happily by,
revering it’s creation.

Shed your Skin

this sick feeling stays with me forever
are you hurting
i feel like breaking
see anything but me
blatant
how to quench this feeling of uncertainty
elated
i still feel numb
i felt it
all the voices in my head
the loudest
“tyler, tyler, tyler”
why am i so unwell
striking
i’m deviant
fuck off
earthy, pale hands
his ugliness transcends her
i sat in the same spot
how long have i been doing this
i can’t, i can’t, i can’t, i can’t
gorge.

Untitled

Immense, would be an understatement. Core. Hurt.
You say you forget how to touch.
You say: “run, as fast as you can”.
Sparrow in the house.
I was just beginning.
That morning, I held your hand.

Knowingly the letters held my gaze.
“We do brakes, Stop if you can!’
But I can’t.

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Samples from a journal:

the upheaval and rebirth/ elan vital; life force/ heart, soul, presence.

I felt powerless around you. I felt like I owed you the world.

It wasn’t easy to search her for truth or fact/ the narrative unfinished, abstract/ a constant state of metamorphisis.

Phospherence – continuing to shine in the dark after exposure to light/ her essence on my skin, glowing after having just been touched, truly, for the first time.

It followed you like a sentinel, quietly backing you up.

She felt intensely, fearfully, female.

myriad of misnomers. truth stood before us, monolithic.

the floodgates were lowered/ a natural disaster of the heart/ cracks in the foundation/ an exquisite pang/ when it broke, a thousand hearts broke with it/ I saw the truth you didn’t recognize/ the writing on the wall/ it’s hard to touch feet to ground/ hard not to fall/ promises are for those with premonitions of goodbyes.

I felt like i was flailing, wildly, for so long/ with you i thought i’d reached a point of stillness/ cast back out to turbulent seas/ how cliche.

Learning shouldn’t take place in a lecture hall. It should take place in parks and forests and cozy cafes. In people’s homes, meadows and theatres. It should take place in canoes, onstage, in the dark, on a roof – in life.

A dead bug…a funeral unattended.

If you asked me not to speak, would I listen? If you asked me not to feel, would I listen? If you asked me not to breathe… would I listen?

Burn me/ cut me/ scold me/ make me, dismantle me/ at least I can pretend, to be all that you need.

I want to utter salty tears/ still my eyes, dry/ i could almost cry for them.

You toyed with me like a professional/ gipetto go to hell/ i’m so fucking forgettable.

I watch the offending hunk of viand/ flailing wildly in your half open mouth/ eat me/ god i hope you choke.

I don’t need no-one to help me fall down/ stop trying/ stop crying/ your tears sting, a symptom of cathexis/ your life, not mine/ looks like you’ve fallen too.

Odium beads, and rolls off my tongue/ noxious taste of distain/ it hurts, it scolds, and/ i have to spit it out/ it’s unfourtunate/ you’re unfaltering/ always the one to catch it.

I don’t like to talk about it before I don’t have the answers. It’s hard to put feeling into words. Hard to find a frame of reference. My experiences are abstract – lacking structure, facts, words that describe. Sometimes I assume this is part of my inadequacy. Sometimes it makes me insecure. I worry that my experience is less valid when there’s no story to tell. The shadow lingers – source unknown. I don’t have memory, I feel an imprint. I can’t tell the shape, size of cause. I only know I feel. Inflamation. Swelling released through tears, and a constant tremble.

Archaic stain tattoos her shoulder/ deep purple, flags the scene of a crime/ trapping of cheap lace/ a sour kind of bridal/ slick palm grasps a twenty/ crumpled, conquered/ is that your prize?/ concrete expanse embraces her/ cooing/ “how’d ya get so far gone?

Numbness overtakes me/ floating/ i can’t bring my feet to touch ground/ hands/ the illusion of a drug habit/ steel/ cold and hard between warm, padded fingers/ blurred vision/ tears fall/ scalpel pressed/ skin puckers, spreads like dewy lips/ crimson makes and appearance/ suddenly scared/ blood flows/ still she feels nothing.

last night i dreamt i was floating/ he took my hand/ suddenly water was around me/ he held tight, persistent, impervious/ he could not pull me out/ he would not try/ hands around my neck/ choking me/ draining life/ my very own hands/ around my neck/ and choking me.

i love you like the stars above/ i’ll love you til i die/ loss/ disappointment/ sadness/ cut it short.

love is looking into your eyes and being terrified to look away/ it’s when you touch me and I forget to breathe/ It’s your eyes, full of light and I feel illuminated/  it’s your laugh, bubbling up through the cracks in your armour/ it’s my heart stretching out to meet it/ it’s knowing how bad it’s gonna hurt/ it’s knowing it’s worth it/ love is indefinable/ who am i to try?

He looked through me like a window, accustomed to not seeing me for all these years. When it was invisibility I sought, I would curl up in his presence, comforted by knowing I was nothing more than a picture to him. A piece of art he might hang on his wall and look upon with shallow intent. ‘Beauty is fleeting’ he said. I relished the glances he cast my way. I knew soon he wouldn’t look at me at all. Human interaction was too complex for him. Sitting alone for hours, with that damn cat. I wondered where he went. A simple man like himself, he must not have many options. The difference between he and i -  he cannot live without heart, I cannot live without soul.